goodbye 2004, wassup 2005...

Now listening to: [ jimmy eat world - for me this is heaven ]

3 minutes left of January 1!

Last night i attended Gracie's BBQ and was welcomed by my first beer.

As always Gee was very spirited and energetic and it was nice to kick back.
Afterwards, i headed to Nathan's annual pool/bbq party feeling like it might be a good chance to see the people i dissociated myself from and see what they're up to despite the sense of regret already building in my mind. Reasons were:

1. Felt to an extent, unwelcome.
2. Felt paid out
3. Lam.

All the guys were there, i really liked how Nathan arranged all the furniture on his driveway but as suspected my feelings were affirmed.

Firstly, I couldn't bare to see the sight of Lam, someone i called brother not too long ago, someone who i shared plenty of lunches, dinners, cruises, coffees and almost everything you can name to be shafted after i told him to wait for me to pick him up after his car was stranded.

Ok, to begin with he calls me up at 7am -ish about 2 months ago asking for a ride because his car had broken down. No problem says me but it pisses me off that he couldn't see he woke me up and at that time i felt completely out-of-it and i told him i just slept not too long ago, and just said give me a moment and he flips out and hang up.

I called him back and remembering my vision was starting to crystalize; he threw a tantrum about how much i was a bad friend??!

From my perspective, just because i didn't bendover backwards and grovel at his feet at a drop of a dime i'm not a good friend. Someone who does'nt have the patience of 15 minutes and any rationality is truly unbelievable.

I called him a few days later, trying to justify what happend and he childishly said "i don't want to be your friend anymore..."

You know a guy for over a decade, and it has come to this.

Well fuck, good riddance.

At least i know who i'm at the end of the day and what i do in life will judge me for who i'm, not you fucker.

People who i thought were the backbone of my existance barely spoke a word to me. I don't ever want to go through that ever again.
All this bullshit happend only 3 months ago, i question how can something that lasted half my lifetime be diminished to sometihng so petty in a matter of months?

Surely as noted in my earlier posts babbling on about how good my friends are, how far we've all come and how much i respect them shouldn't dissolve simple because of small things right?

Wrong.

It's a tragedy i guess that perhaps nothing is as solid as i think they are, no matter what it is.
I was told i was naive at the next place i went to by someone i now consider as an older role model... i'll never use the word "brother" to describe a close friend in any context again and i accept in many cicumstances in my life i have been.

I saw the world as people would treat you with some kind of respect and offer a small insight of rationality if you we're just doing the right thing.

"Sorry Jason, but in this world doormats were made for a reason"... i guess that's really the hard lesson learnt and even harder it seems to grasp the idea of dis-trusting people it does happen.

I left Nathan's after i felt it wasn't my place to be and headed down to the city to Paul and Alvin's apartment. These guys i haven't known for long but i felt completely at home. They were older than me, but i was joined by my toymod buddies Jase (4AGE) and Ben (b1gb3n) who've lately i've become quite close with in particular Jase as i'll just call him Jase to avoid confusion... tomyself and the readers :P

There was a point in time last year where i was already isolated from my friends, work and really... the world and only had $2.30 to my name. Jase shouted me lunch despite him being absolutely broke aswell and he said to me something i'll never forget, "i know what it's like to be starving and poor, eat up man".

The way he said it, i could see so much sincerity in his tone and knew exactly how i was feeling.
The evening wrapped up with Derrick scaring the girls in the adjacent apartments screaming about the size of his genitilia and other whacked up comments which Paul wasn't too happy about.

There was a moment where about 4-5am where most of the household was sleeping and awake was paul, his girlfriend Jhia, Jase, Monika and i were just sitting at the main dinner table. They placed about 15 mini candles and switched off the lights and Paul mentioned no matter how busy life is around you, nothing compares to the lumination of candles and he was right.

There and then the people who sat around this well lit table in silence was overwhelmed by the sense of harmony. Everything at that moment felt alright, despite the extreme tradgedy of the Christmas Tsunami's that claimed more than expected 200,000 lives. Perhaps at that moment it was right to hold a vigil and think about everything as a whole.

The same evening, Paul flat out told me i was naive to my surroundings and given my shit 2004 i first shunned the idea but when i think about it now i'm truly glad he did because he is right.
2004 was shit but i learnt heaps, 2005 is the start i've been waiting for.

I'm now sitting in my room with a new profound liking to candles, still smoking the same cigarettes listening to Dashboard whose lyrics states "i can fail, before i try" and i think how true that is. Amen.

This year has kicked out nicely, no matter how much i'll fall trying i don't care... the world is mine.

-Jay

p.s: Oh here's a shot of the view to die for at the place i was at last night.