where am i...

listening to: [ flame of recca - second ending theme ]

this song sums up the mood well. In the anime (titled 'Flame of Recca'), there's this credits scene with thumbnails of various scenes of the series that i suppose is meant to induce some kind of reminiscent sentiment in the viewers.

I was talking to Petey earlier and struck up a conversation that ended up with me browsing through my photo album of my birthday that reminded me of 'that' scene but this time with my own personal memories. Images of people coming and going, all those people i used to care about. Not just my birthday in particular... more like people i used to call 'best friends'. I've also grown a resentment to that term as well.

2005: Jay is very bitter.

The feelings at this point is definately dawnting. I can still recall the laughs and everyone like it was yesterday. Where did it all go?

Those telephone calls on optus 'tightarse' yes time to the place we used to go.
Is it at a point where it is the other party that expects that catch up phone call?

The extremity is they don't care anymore. Dead honest truth. People these days are far more concerned about how much money they're going to make in a week to who they're going to fuck up in order to suceed than people who actually care about them.

Perhaps i'm in denial that everything's alright, maybe i was too conceeded to notice i've met about 40 new people in less than 3 months and parted with another 30 more who i've known for half my life. Again, i'm naive.

It pisses me off that everyone's fine-fucken-dandy and i always end up feeling like it's me that has to hold everyone together.

Why do i feel so depressed? Maybe because out of this i always knew i was suffering inside... hated that fact i'm alone?

Whoa boy, sounds like teenage angst again.

But the end, i'm standing on my own legs and i'm holding my own against the world but i would trade it all for 'that' moment again. A moment where everything was good. And just that.

Truly miss those days when all i ever really cared about was my NBA cards, my SNES and my idiotbox (TV).
Over time i've refined myself through outlets to express myself by writing, painting, comics, drawing, cars and trying... i guess in a sense recreate awesome moments in my life but it's absolutely futile. i've reached a stage where i feel a longing to be appreciated again. What's the point in being good in something when i'm not worth a dime to anyone else? What is it about my character that is truly lacking??? At the same time too afraid to take a step.

Truly this is loneliness at it's best.

Helen, my friend of age is away on holiday... been best friends since we were toots back in high school and she pissed at me.
I plan to welcome her back with a canvas i'm very keen on finishing and trying to sum up what she means to me... even then if that's how it all ends then i guess it really is a shit time in my life.
Perhaps the flaw with my character is i don't express how much they mean to me?

The only crap emotion missing now is confusion, oh wait...

Listening to: [ The Corrs - Runaway ]

What the hell is this depression / guilt trip i'm having?

Feels like i've lost meaning in my existance... new lesson: one cannot live on bread alone.

I was forced to read that in the bible when i was a kid, i guess i know what that means now.

Thankfully though, Chow, Petey and Monin are those who appear to not have succumb to losing themselves.

In particular Petey, of everyone who've come and gone... i can still tell he retains much of his integrity over everyone else. It's an important aspect when i think about it, because as soon as anoyone allows themselves to delve into a position where they start thinking the world should revolve around them; that's when people change (and generally for the worse).

Change isn't bad but somehow i find myself talking to old friends i've managed to catch up with and behind their eyes it doesn't look like they were the same people i met a long time ago.

Like they've somehow disappear and have been replaced with lastest fashion trends, their inflated ego and their pretentious attitudes.
From the third-person perspective could it be me who is changing???

Ok, 2005... show me something cool. The sun's rising and I need a fucking cigarette.

-Jay