AAW Kevin Gibbs, 01/04/06 - Lonely day.

Listening to: [ System of a Down - Lonely Day ]

I'm beginning to hate my entries.
If it was any other day i'd probably complain about my school work or my Dad breaking my gearbox on the old Sprinter but today is different.

I've come to realise that most of our live experiences in the 70 odd average human lifespan; instant changes that happen and affects the way we all behave and live for the rest of our lives.
In an instant a baby is born and we celebrate with joy and happiness...
In an instant a man dies and we feel an emptiness that cannot be explained to those who have never felt it.

My friend, Kevin Gibbs died at 8:45pm on his way to visit his brother in Eildon when his car collided with another vehicle head on. He was killed instantly and the passengers of the other car was taken to the hospital hanging onto life...

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,18684911-29277,00.html

It's different when the page of the newspaper relates to you. A statistic. In the ever expanding road toll tradgedies that takes the lives of my 18 year old friends to me anyone else it's not just a fucking number.

Today is a day that i can't help thinking maybe i've missed out on something important... aside from the last words everyone keep wishing they had said.

I met Kev for the first time at the train station early on November morning in 2003. I was depressed and angry someone had stolen my car and through the goodness of his heart decided that he should catch a train at 6am to help a stranger find his car.

That's kind the person he was. He was 16 at the time and i have to admit i've never felt generosity on that level and assures me there's still humane and genuine people left. He was humble, quiet and always gave more than he should.

I'm sitting here, drinking tea for the first time in years wondering about the small things about people you cannot expressly say into words like how someone smiles or says something...
I think it's strange after people you care about are gone all you're left with is that and the urging ambition to say something to them again.

I've had probably over a million thoughts today and then some while trying to grasp onto reality but some of the thoughts i've made (and understood) was the smallest things are the biggest. I went to Kev's house earlier tonight to pay my respect to his grieving cousin and fiance and i couldn't help myself crumbling... a dry eye, swollen glands and a dirty hoodie complete with snot and tear stains affirmed my friend is gone.

His cousin told me during my stay, i played him a song... the song titled above and they tell me he played it over and over again after i left and sometimes they'd catch him off guard singing it too.

I tried to smile a bit but i can't help feel this loneliness.

I cried because one of my memories of kev was this one time he was really short on cash and he made me pancakes out of flour and water... and topped it with jam.
I cried because people that like deserve so much better, his room was the way he left it and i saw his bed with his blankets set in a way as if he woke up only this morning, empty beer bottles and a toyota poster.

I cry because i lost a friend whose heart of gold would make the bank vaults look like a pantry and angry that i'm here with tea and cold pizza at my disposal.

So the final question i asked Jim was "was Kevin happy?" and he delightfully replied with "he was also happy. he loved everything and everyone... he takes joy from the simplest things such as painting the kitchen boards to whining about not having his pizza"... and it made me think.

He was indeed always happy as he was magnificent... but i'm doing a lot more and i have more stuff but i'm always sad. Aside from the obvious that i'm a proactive selfish prick i'm also missing out on the finer thing's in life.

I'm doubting the "glass half full" philosophy and i think i'm settling for "it's always full"... i'm going to sip my tea, remember why small things do matter while some don't and be thankful that i'm still around.

Kevin Gibbs is alive and well, though i haven't said it enough while he was alive...
I'm going to use the "AAW" thing i did in my previous post in case people think i've lost my marbles.
I'm ever thankful about every moment i spent with him. I can die someday knowing that it was never me and my actions that were great but the people around me who are.

-Jay

n.b: SeptemberSquall's comment of "ten fucking characters" is reference to something else and not in the way i thought it meant. Thanks to -dh- for point that out