1 eighteenth of a second...

Listening to: [ Record of Lodoss War OST1 - Kiseki no Umi ]

I promised myself today i would get some study done, but this week i've felt really mentally numb.

I handed an assignment 3 days late which has never happend before because i couldn't get my mind around a few things.
Currently i'm unable to really pinpoint the problem, whether it's me feeling immobile or it's the weight of everything from school to Chalkboard Studios.

The last couple of days i've kept a really reptitive schedule of home and school. Whether it's the confines of my tiny bedroom to the library is all i've been seeing and i feel like i've lost sight of the biggest picture.

I'm suprised how quickly life can catch up with you when you drop your guard for just a moment.

It's pouring outside, i can hear the drop crash loudy against the pavement so i wondered out and found myself in a catastrophic stiuation and the wind itself nearly blew me over.

The rain hit me as hard like cold nails, armed with my trusty tshirt and 2 dollar trackies i refused to go back inside.
I don't know why. I felt compelled to stay whether it was a hope to see something new or have something interesting happen to me i just stayed.

I didn't feel cold, not because i was numb but i felt fine. I gaze into the distance as far as my shit vision would see and i saw a bright flash in the horizon. Thunder.

It was incredible; as idiotic as most people i presume would describe i was completely spellbound by it's beauty.

30 seconds, FLASH... another 30 seconds later... FLASH!

It made me think about me, my life at 1 eighteenth of a second. The rain was soaking up to my ankles now and i thought about all how everything for that moment felt connected. I can't really descrbie it better than that i'm afraid but to say the least for my benefit i was rejuvinated. If that wasn't enough, a giant gust slapped me and definately put some sense back into my being.

I'm glad at least today was something different.

-Jay

loathe the ground

Listening to: [ Audioslave - Getaway Car ]

Discipline. A word i'm quite familiar with in the last couple of days.

I sit at the 6th floor of the menzies in a perfectly summer like weather in winter. Tired, and dying for a cigarette.

The last couple of days i've starved myself of my old best friend cigarettes, i don't exactly know why i gave up but one day without motive or reason i just smoked the last one and that was it. It wasn't even planned for or anything.

The cravings have taken a dive and i find myself going without a cigarette quite easily. I walked through the corridor at the menzies where it's common to find a group of smokers lurching by the pillars and though the thought of buying a pack crossed my mind i didn't carry through with it.

Am i feeling happier? Not really.

Do i feel healthier? Nope.
Am i proud of myself? You betcha. Ironic when i used to say i would quit and now i have in a way. This time it looks as if i might quit for good because i don't really have a reason to get back on it.

I've started to take some initiative, and i read some of the hand outs mark gave the guys at chalkboard 2 weeks ago and it hit me what most of the things i wanted to change about myself or the world around me isn't happening so... there. I've done something about but i'll ride it out slowly because i don't want to get my hopes up if something doesn't happen.

Ive got my phone with me so i'll try and upload a shot of what i'm doing as i speak. You can see the top of the laptop and the anti-suicide bars.



-Jay