"yooooooush" (japanese for alright!)

listening to: [ nothing ]

I bought 4 blank medium textured canvases today.

I'll definately have to write that uni letter by tonight or tomorrow and get that police report from the actual police station because after turning my room upside down i can't find it.

The sprinter crew showed up and tried to help me with my room earlier this afternoon but they advised i needed concrete screws for the wall mounted single board shelves (cheap ass ikea!)

But eh, nothing to complain.

I've got rice and bought myself a drift button for my sprinter, or should i say e-brake slide inducer and put a friend's company logo on my rear window.

It was a good day just to see how the sprinter guys again and had another cool cruise with CB radios. Chad called yesterday after i thought he disappeared from the planet and we catched up... seems his little beast has blown a clutch. (his roommate is so hot! but i'm definately not her type.. aww)

I've started writing pieces for my comic book again and hopefully get the foundation right and begin writing my first draft by this month or next... it's gonna be big!

Grace noted the other day i was really negative on a few aspects on my life and by God she's right. Ever since the aftermath post, i really took the time to realise i've never been so happy...

I no longer feel sad, bitter about anything.

Lam is one issue that was bothering me but in all good faith i now optimistically hope we can be aquaintences again and go from there... there is truly no sense in feeling so shit.

Helen, the ball is in her court and that's who she is. She likes to have control over almost every aspect in her life and well i'm only a telephone call away... and again hopefully that'll have a positive outcome. She does mean a lot to me, and i really miss her but there's only so much i can do and respect her decision.

I was also very hesitant on new relationships in particular having another girlfriend again because ever since Ying i've never been quite the same. I wasn't sure if i wanted to put that effort in again nor was i ready to step out and just really open my heart up. Lately, since my eyes are more open than before and i can really see how people's attitudes are i know there's a really nice girl out there :D

This month i've sorted my annoying and ongoing cheque problem with CBA (god i hate that bank) and managed to also reduce my creditcard limit to nearly 0.

I've re-vamped my room, painted, helped out family, caught up with friends and did nearly 100% of the things i wanted in this 1 week off work. I never realised when you have such a short space of time to complete something and get off my boney lanky ass to do it... much can be done.

Next week i plan to take Sab (my newly acquired apprentice whom i see as a younger brother) to see new things he probably never seen or felt before. I want to help him in seeing his true potential to achieve what he wants in the future and ace VCE.

I've never seen such wisdom in a 16 yo before. When i was at that age i thought i was king dick, and what my parents, fmaily, teachers and ... higher authorities said were irrelevant. Sab is clearly different from his peers... and dispite the shit conditions of trying to become a 'man' in a teenage angst filled world with all this bullshit trends, expectations from friends, reputation to live up to; he has an undenyable under-dog talent and the brains to get there when his family, teachers lose faith in him. I only feel like i'm passing on information that was handed to me by figures i hold close to my heart when i was growing up.

Therefore, a big thank you to firstly:

Rui: My cousin, and one of the most intelligent, quiet achievers i've ever seen. His mind is contantly switched on, and his ability to analyse, interpret and use information is staggering. I feel very blessed to have such a kind person who've always treated me as an equal even when i was only a toddler and he was in parimary school. Rui gave me the ability to also rationalise and set thing's straight.

Without him, i would've been lost.

Avon: My other cousin on the other side of the role model spectrum who i mentioned earlier. The only ever person to believe in what i do, and what i can do with ALL her heart and has supported me since i drew something when i was 10 or something. Thank you again, my talent would've only gotten me so far if you had'nt told me i can go further.

Xin Hao: A wise traveller and the master of business. Reminds me of Rui, in the intelligence department however he was a great philosopher in his own right. Though, i haven't heard from him in nearly a year and i doubt i will ever see or speak to him again he showed me the world as it is. He teached about the nature of people and the world and how we as people can operate in our fullest potential to overcome obsticles faced by many. Most importantly, he taught my the nature of our own lives and basically meant never to stop trying as we are all put here for a reason. His philosophy is everything happens for a reason, everyone knows what they're here to do and even if you do not, you're still doing something. Every person we bump into and share a few words may be positive or negative and that'll shape us for a greater picture we all cannot see.
Perhaps my meeting with him, and my time spent with him and saw him as a brother helped me see the world and finally myself.

Well.. i should go... i'm getting hungry and this is getting long. Thanks again to everyone in my life... good or bad.

-Jay

Aftermath: Reflection of onesself.

Listening to: [ The Corrs - Little wing ]

Before i go to bed tonight, i looked at the first canvas i ever painted.

I feel that piece was very powerful and turned out really well in how it expresses my emotion towards a certain opinion or stance.

I thought about everything that has happend, and i realise i'm more collected than i ever had been in my life. My new pro-found obsession is candles and canvas.

I'm going to make it my personal goal to buy tons tomorrow and begin my series of collections that basically expresses who i feel on anything. I'm a sentimental sucker.

The ability to channel how i feel at the end of the day makes me feel proud that somehow that's how i was feeling all along. I feel incredibly alive.

I'll post them ALL here as well as my new room when daylight hits tomorrow.
There's another note i thought i'd like to put down... a long time ago i was talking to my beloved cousin Avon (an incredibly talented artist in NY) and i was reading through some of her letters to me that she sent a long time ago. Basically always telling me i should channel my artistic vision and take it as far as i can go.

I still hold her very close to my heart... always. It was her that had always believed in me and what i did since iw as only 10.

Last we spoke i was in university doing commerce and just making money, doing something i hate and she told me to basically leave it and follow my heart.

I was naive and thought what i was doing at the time was right for me even though when i knew as time went by i hated office politics, i hated mercedes and their superficial bullshit... it would make her smile knowing she had been right about me all this time and i could safely say there was never a doubt in my mind what i'm capable of. I don't know HOW, but she knows!

Even a letter addressed to my sister i found written in 1999, she mentioned that there's something about my art and i should not hide it like her brother Manuel (Whom my middle name was named after.) and told Jenny to encourage me. I thought it was very enlightening and cute and how i desperately want to speak to her now.

I miss her as a mentor, my friend and my older sister.

-Jay

eventful...

Listening to: [ Dido - Thank you ]

Who would've thought it coudl all happen in one day?

1. Room refurbish - COMPLETE
2. Met a cousin i never knew i had
3. Lam.

It was a sizzling day, and Chow and i when to find his torana with no avail. We then spent the rest of the afternoon furniture shopping and with his direction and my uncoordination (with help from my long lost cousin) resulting in a complete overhaul of my bedroom.

Finally i can breathe and keep my books and other assorted bits and pieces ready for my long study year this year.

I arrived home with my tiny car packed with long carboard boxes and out come jenny and she said "Yo Jay, here's Luke... our cousin from Darwin..."

I think "what the fuck" is a good response. But he's an awesome kid, and reminds me of Lester's younger brother arnold. Heh.

Lam also called me which i thought was weird... he was really pissed about what i had written earlier in this blog and responded with "anything i had to say, i should say in front of him."

I felt this blog was my personal thoughts and ideas i feel i have trouble communicating to others but from his perspective it would seem so.

I wrote that entry so long ago, i don't even really remember what i wrote... i was probably really angry about it... not so much these days because he and i met each other at blue and i saw in him the best friend i had not so long ago. I saw him laugh, joking around and carrying on like a child which brought back so many memories of my birthday when he was truly awesome and i always give credit when it is due...

It kind of made me miss him, but it's a stage where it could probably be the end of it and wonder why on earth we ever drifted.

All that aside and he directly told me i was a gutless wonder. We hung up; i tried to carry on finishing my bed frame and thought about what he had said for a moment... he was right.

I would say if i were him... it's pretty pathetic.

So i called him back (and luckily he picked up) and i told him straight up what i thought of him. (He's one of those people who's very honest and direct... despite he hates me guts right now it's an attribute many people lack) and i figured if he was direct like that... i should at least repay the same curtesy.

It didn't go well i think, but this time was the first time i was able to convey my feelings about the whole ordeal. I told him i don't hate him, i said i was sorry and basically how come we're like this. He listened well... and it felt nice it was the first time he didn't lose his cool and just patiently listened to every word.

I told him i thought he was stubburn and really selfish for not being able to wait, basically why is he so upset that i said wait a moment. He said we should have a drink and there he can really tell me how he felt that day.

It was the first time i really felt like there was something i probably didn't pick up on? Perhaps i might've missed a chunk of a detail because i'm VERY curious of what he has to say.

All aside, it was a good day and i've managed to complete another task i wanted to do this mini holiday i have before i go back to work. So uni, and perhaps plans to move out (right now it's not a priority) and i can go back without a worry. It'll be really nice also if i can sort this mess with Lam once and for all and the first time i think i'm through with all this bullshit snobbing off...

It's either going to be we sort it and move on or we don't ever see each other again.

From my perspective, i just to forget it ever happend. He IS good to the guys and he definately looks after them. It's a shame what happend came to this really.

I'm also pressured to find Chow his Torana, time is running out and i notice he lacks the motivation to find his car. Hopefully that'll be out of the way this week and i can finally get back to work on a positive note. We'll see how this all plays out... for once in my life i have my fingers crossed... too much crap has happend in 2004, this would slightly make up for it.

-Jay

One loose end down, 500 to go!

Here's the painting i finished earlier this afternoon.

It's titled 'anything is possible..." as a dedication to someone who pretty much did the same against every odd in the past. This canvas is a tribute to her.

It was quite difficult at first because i had to figure the initial layers and what colours to use. The most fun part was i would say is the blend of different colours. I had an awesome time like i was back in primary school again painting anything i wanted.

Well anyway back to the painting, the colours i used was nothing too sinister (afterall, it IS a birthday present) but at the same time i wanted to create a dimension what would say it was very dry and desolate. I opted to go with the typical desert sand but i concluded red clay and grey trees are far more effective because my mum was like "why did you paint a dead tree? it's nice... but it's dead."

So i guess i had achieved my desired outcome. Once again, my logo i've kept since the days of "Ying" was the enduring green leaf. Which has now become my logo for my existance. For those who don't know, there's a MS paint with a potplant and a green leaf which symbolises rebirth / life.

Enjoy.

-Jay

"anything is possible..." - Matte and Gloss Acrylic on canvas. 60cm x 45cm. - By ME!

Busy busy busy...

Listening to: [ Maroon 5 - Sunday morning ]

Taking advice from monin's comments (Friday, Jan 07, 2005 --Ed.) <--comic book 'in' joke :P

I can finally move on to bigger things.

I have almost completed my present for helen and should be able to finish it within 2 days.

The middle layer of acrylic is on and the hard part is waiting for it to dry before i can finish up the middle 2 and top layer.

It's looking quite nice... i'll take a snap shot before i send it off.

Gracie's also been working on something and again her work looks very promising. It's a pity i don't get a chance to see her often because we are both working a lot.

Meanwhile, i've reviewed my room makeover and haven't yet settled on the colour scheme.
So far i'm leaning towards a light grey with a blue tinge primary and a darker variant for a feature wall (if you can't see it, wait a couple of days and it will be up).

The first piece of "furniture" as i would like to call it (something that Gracie clearly doesnt regard as furniture) is my "BLING BIN"

It's a stainless steel 'fully schick' bin that i think is ultra cool. One step at a time i think and what other great way to re-vamp the room than bloody "bling bin".
Other stuff on the agenda is to draft up my letter to Uni and find my police report (hopefully sorting through the shit stored in my room will be a start) and help Chow find his treasure.

Speaking of treasures, i've managed to get hold of a 4AGE (Red top, 100kw) head that will go into the shitbox. It's missing so many parts but nothing like a good project to be proud of when i finish. The head should bolt straight into the existing block with maybe some modifications required to the head gaskets, bearings and re-allocation of the alternator and other bits and pieces.

Without further adue, i now bring you ... THE BLING BIN! *followed by wave of loud cheers and applauses...*

-Jay

p.s: As a treat, i've changed the template to the blog for 2005 ;) (Not like anyone reads my crap anyway.)

BEHOLD AND BARE WITNESS TOOO: My Bling Bin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (OWNS J00!)

TWINKY!!!

T.T's Birthday (Tuan and Tao)

Listening to: [ Rammstein (Live from Berlin) - Engel ]

Two words: Chivas Regal!

A happy birthday to the boys, Tuan and Tao who've just had their memorable (or in their case; not so memorable) birthday on the 6th (Tao a.k.a Fatty, a.k.a. Santa, a.k.a. Tomato Face, a.k.a Dai Lo) and Tuan on the 9th respectively.

The evening at the initial stages seemed rather un-organised but as soon as everyone was in the club and 2 glasses of whiskey and coke later things went off without a hitch.

Per usual i would say everyone got wasted... including umm... me *looks at his feet*.
Urrrgh, Chivas Regal... i was feeling alright until Brendan poured that glass of NASTY NASTY!!! like mini skirted 200 kg women with fish net stockings, at the moment i can't decide which is worse.

Everyone had a good time, especially Steve Hughes who is probably still grinning after the whole bi-sexual females who picked him up. He holds a winning formula for attracting asian women.

1. He's white.
2. He's funky.
3. He speaks chinese.

Well hats off to him as it was also his birthday that evening.

After the club Chow and i stayed up at a room in crown towers which exceeded my expectations and was a very luxurious room indeed. We nearly got kicked out after Steve had told us his lesbian encounter and we laughed so hard they threatened to kick us all out!

All good i says.

We stayed about 2 hrs enough for me to sober up and drive Chow and i back.
I've posted a few shots of what had happend that night. The poor photograph quality has my phone (again) to blame but better than nothing, eh?
Pictures are the birthday boys themselves from an archived photo album, and the view from the hotel itself.

Enjoy.

-Jay

Target #1: Tuan "Tuna" Do

Target #2: John "Fatty" Tao

Utz!

Here's a "gansta" shot of my best friend, Petey.

John's penis turned 21 today... The red faced "urrrgh i doooon't feeeel so gooood" is the birthday boy himself. Happy Birthday, you wasted bastard.

urgh, makes me sick. This was the second last drink i had before i umm... how should i put this... "got owned"

Sunrise, January 10 2005, Level 24, Suite 2404 from Crown Towers, Melbourne.

Crown Towers: Double ensuite. Awesome 'The ring' shot of Chow.

Here's a shot overlooking the Yarra from the hotel room.

Finally i've lost my mullet an-- .. oh wait.

my new hair. i said "make me look jap" and here it is. Chow said to the hairstylist "yeah the hair is nice but umm.. can you do something about the face?"

Fucker.

-Jay

fuck i hate al qaeda

WHAT THE FUCK IS THEIR PROBLEM?!

In indonesia there are now reports floating around their "active" in certain regions and it would seem countries that are there to help out like USA and Australia are in danger.

Fuck off!

Get a glove and fucken help. I don't see no muslim community pitching in.
Pledge some money, put ur fucking aging AK47 down and help.

-Jay

where am i...

listening to: [ flame of recca - second ending theme ]

this song sums up the mood well. In the anime (titled 'Flame of Recca'), there's this credits scene with thumbnails of various scenes of the series that i suppose is meant to induce some kind of reminiscent sentiment in the viewers.

I was talking to Petey earlier and struck up a conversation that ended up with me browsing through my photo album of my birthday that reminded me of 'that' scene but this time with my own personal memories. Images of people coming and going, all those people i used to care about. Not just my birthday in particular... more like people i used to call 'best friends'. I've also grown a resentment to that term as well.

2005: Jay is very bitter.

The feelings at this point is definately dawnting. I can still recall the laughs and everyone like it was yesterday. Where did it all go?

Those telephone calls on optus 'tightarse' yes time to the place we used to go.
Is it at a point where it is the other party that expects that catch up phone call?

The extremity is they don't care anymore. Dead honest truth. People these days are far more concerned about how much money they're going to make in a week to who they're going to fuck up in order to suceed than people who actually care about them.

Perhaps i'm in denial that everything's alright, maybe i was too conceeded to notice i've met about 40 new people in less than 3 months and parted with another 30 more who i've known for half my life. Again, i'm naive.

It pisses me off that everyone's fine-fucken-dandy and i always end up feeling like it's me that has to hold everyone together.

Why do i feel so depressed? Maybe because out of this i always knew i was suffering inside... hated that fact i'm alone?

Whoa boy, sounds like teenage angst again.

But the end, i'm standing on my own legs and i'm holding my own against the world but i would trade it all for 'that' moment again. A moment where everything was good. And just that.

Truly miss those days when all i ever really cared about was my NBA cards, my SNES and my idiotbox (TV).
Over time i've refined myself through outlets to express myself by writing, painting, comics, drawing, cars and trying... i guess in a sense recreate awesome moments in my life but it's absolutely futile. i've reached a stage where i feel a longing to be appreciated again. What's the point in being good in something when i'm not worth a dime to anyone else? What is it about my character that is truly lacking??? At the same time too afraid to take a step.

Truly this is loneliness at it's best.

Helen, my friend of age is away on holiday... been best friends since we were toots back in high school and she pissed at me.
I plan to welcome her back with a canvas i'm very keen on finishing and trying to sum up what she means to me... even then if that's how it all ends then i guess it really is a shit time in my life.
Perhaps the flaw with my character is i don't express how much they mean to me?

The only crap emotion missing now is confusion, oh wait...

Listening to: [ The Corrs - Runaway ]

What the hell is this depression / guilt trip i'm having?

Feels like i've lost meaning in my existance... new lesson: one cannot live on bread alone.

I was forced to read that in the bible when i was a kid, i guess i know what that means now.

Thankfully though, Chow, Petey and Monin are those who appear to not have succumb to losing themselves.

In particular Petey, of everyone who've come and gone... i can still tell he retains much of his integrity over everyone else. It's an important aspect when i think about it, because as soon as anoyone allows themselves to delve into a position where they start thinking the world should revolve around them; that's when people change (and generally for the worse).

Change isn't bad but somehow i find myself talking to old friends i've managed to catch up with and behind their eyes it doesn't look like they were the same people i met a long time ago.

Like they've somehow disappear and have been replaced with lastest fashion trends, their inflated ego and their pretentious attitudes.
From the third-person perspective could it be me who is changing???

Ok, 2005... show me something cool. The sun's rising and I need a fucking cigarette.

-Jay

tired... so very very tired

listening to: [ jimmy eat world - goodbye sky harbour ]

damn i miss having a normal life... that is seeing the sun for more than 4 hours.
i took another 12 hour shift thinking i'd be alright.

i could barely umm... what's that word...

see the buns going through.

came home and there's nothing to eat and when i wake up i have to go back to work.
this kind of lifestyle and occupation can make a guy um.... dumb.

owie... head hurts

-Jay

... kids shouldn't feel like this.

one moment, one photograph and one heart bleeds...

Listening to: [ Oasis - Don't look back in anger, Jet - Look what you've done ]

Those who bother reading my rantings i implore you to give a little to the tsunami disaster because for some reason it struck a nerve some two nights ago.

It was just one photograph in particular where a woman is lying flat on the ground facing down with her fingers streched. This image portrayed someone who has completely lost everything and the expression of her face was a sadness i could not comprehend. I've gone out of my way to find it so everyone just judge it themselves.

Here, right now i'm sitting in my chair, drinking my hot tea bitching about my car, my lousy "friends" and my shithouse hell job somehow became ever-so insignificant compared to the devastating tradgedy.

Tradgedy, tradgedy, tradgey is all we hear but i've spoken to a few people but they don't seem to feel the same way.

Everywhere you go lately all you hear is depressing accounts and how the numbers keep rising.

Well, i've lately tried to encourage everyone to donate but that doesn't make me a Saint.

Let's talk about the photograph.

I find it how much more powerful a message just one frame in a moment can say more than a 60 minute documentary. That has always inspired me to re-take my old hobby and take out a secondhand SLR because i never really know when a moment comes out in life.

Enough with my own interests, that's for next time... for now i'll state the surge that overwhelmined me because the woman's pain can be seen from her disfigured pose and her fingers pretty much scream as loud as her voice did.

I admit i've made plenty of racial jokes over the years in my immature self but nothing is funny when it's like this. Hell, i feel really stupid wondering why did i say such things in the first place and starting to really hate my discriminations.

Overall, i hope something like this makes the world a closer place. I hope it opens eyes realising nature doesn't give a shit where you come from, what you do, what colour your skin is because in the end we're all the same.

But this still doesn't make me like Americans... who from my general view are only out to better themselves all the time. History and this speaks for itself. If you're american, your government sucks.

Give generously people.

www.redcross.com
www.oxfam.com
www.worldvision.com

-Jay

I think the picture speaks for itself...

1 week of golden showers

Listening to: [ Alex Lloyd - Beautiful ]

I've taken one week from work. Must has to be done in order to best prepare myself for big 2005. I've taken note not to expect too much as life has a tendancy to go the other way.

So it'll be one beautiful week, and already i have about 500 things i want to do.
I've been working since January 1, so to me it doesn't feel like 2005 yet but more like my impression of what hell is like; a sweaty hot run down warehouse with old codgers talking about bullshit and doing the same repetitive crap all day. Looks like the cigarette thing will be the hardest thing to full-fill on my resolution.

I bet nailing leader singer Mick Jagger up the butt will be an easier task.

*sigh*

Lately i've seriously considered making a band that plays some cover songs at pubs... i've decided on the name to be "four blown head gaskets" because i had this friend who owned a car whose gasket was about as reliable as the public transport system in Melbourne.

Hmm, now who wants to be in a band?

Damn! All those years wasted with the wrong crowd, not that i regret any of it but i wish some of the guys had some artistic talent despite many of them will claim drinking the mystic waters of "grog" as a modern art form.

Ok a short run down of what needs to be done.

- Send the letter of response to the commerce faculty and beg with all i have to let me stay.
i imagine myself bursting through the doors screaming "who do i have to f%#k around here to get a degree?"

-Secondly, fix the damn car. No point having a car of bling and it doesn't run. Hell my shitbox carby, hit-a-pothole-and-die car seems more reliable at this stage.

-Find a house to move into. This house is getting far too cramped. Somewhere close hopefully.
-Catch up with Jase, Chooney, Sab, Huy.

-Find a present for old fart nim.

-Buy new clothes, it ain't cool wearing the same thing for 3 months... as i found out.

Most importantly the uni thing must be done before i move because there's no sense moving closer to monash if i'm no longer a student! Well, i'll fight as hard as i can.

-Jay

Sprinter Project

My starter motor is busted so she doesn't run at the moment.

So far the only thing that makes me happy these days is my little car.
I might start doing stuff that requires very little money...

So plans are:

-Clean engine bay and make it bling
-Paint fuel rail and rocker cover and other ricey shit
-Use ricey braided lines
-Fit / Modify rails for Bride and RECARO seats
-Paint and fit sideskirts
-Fix cd console
-Add water/oil temperature gauge

That is all!

-Jay

AT AAMI INPOUND

AFTER

New Years Resolution

[Top Ten 'do/change/challenge' List ]

1. Expect nothing but distinction for Uni, i've done it before and i can do it again.
2. Fuck clubbing and weekly Friday/Saturday binge drinking
3. Stop smoking, cancer is gay.
4. Get out! Be proactive, play more sport and try to gain weight.
5. Be good to family, especially the younger generation who needs help in school.
6. Save money, my sprinter can wait. She loves me already anyway.
7. Be honest and true, but especially cautious of what i'm treading on.
8. Drive safe, hate to be another number on the road toll and give the government more money than they deserve.
9. Don't lose focus of the bigger picture, there's more to the world and the people in it than aesthetics.
10. Smile more.

goodbye 2004, wassup 2005...

Now listening to: [ jimmy eat world - for me this is heaven ]

3 minutes left of January 1!

Last night i attended Gracie's BBQ and was welcomed by my first beer.

As always Gee was very spirited and energetic and it was nice to kick back.
Afterwards, i headed to Nathan's annual pool/bbq party feeling like it might be a good chance to see the people i dissociated myself from and see what they're up to despite the sense of regret already building in my mind. Reasons were:

1. Felt to an extent, unwelcome.
2. Felt paid out
3. Lam.

All the guys were there, i really liked how Nathan arranged all the furniture on his driveway but as suspected my feelings were affirmed.

Firstly, I couldn't bare to see the sight of Lam, someone i called brother not too long ago, someone who i shared plenty of lunches, dinners, cruises, coffees and almost everything you can name to be shafted after i told him to wait for me to pick him up after his car was stranded.

Ok, to begin with he calls me up at 7am -ish about 2 months ago asking for a ride because his car had broken down. No problem says me but it pisses me off that he couldn't see he woke me up and at that time i felt completely out-of-it and i told him i just slept not too long ago, and just said give me a moment and he flips out and hang up.

I called him back and remembering my vision was starting to crystalize; he threw a tantrum about how much i was a bad friend??!

From my perspective, just because i didn't bendover backwards and grovel at his feet at a drop of a dime i'm not a good friend. Someone who does'nt have the patience of 15 minutes and any rationality is truly unbelievable.

I called him a few days later, trying to justify what happend and he childishly said "i don't want to be your friend anymore..."

You know a guy for over a decade, and it has come to this.

Well fuck, good riddance.

At least i know who i'm at the end of the day and what i do in life will judge me for who i'm, not you fucker.

People who i thought were the backbone of my existance barely spoke a word to me. I don't ever want to go through that ever again.
All this bullshit happend only 3 months ago, i question how can something that lasted half my lifetime be diminished to sometihng so petty in a matter of months?

Surely as noted in my earlier posts babbling on about how good my friends are, how far we've all come and how much i respect them shouldn't dissolve simple because of small things right?

Wrong.

It's a tragedy i guess that perhaps nothing is as solid as i think they are, no matter what it is.
I was told i was naive at the next place i went to by someone i now consider as an older role model... i'll never use the word "brother" to describe a close friend in any context again and i accept in many cicumstances in my life i have been.

I saw the world as people would treat you with some kind of respect and offer a small insight of rationality if you we're just doing the right thing.

"Sorry Jason, but in this world doormats were made for a reason"... i guess that's really the hard lesson learnt and even harder it seems to grasp the idea of dis-trusting people it does happen.

I left Nathan's after i felt it wasn't my place to be and headed down to the city to Paul and Alvin's apartment. These guys i haven't known for long but i felt completely at home. They were older than me, but i was joined by my toymod buddies Jase (4AGE) and Ben (b1gb3n) who've lately i've become quite close with in particular Jase as i'll just call him Jase to avoid confusion... tomyself and the readers :P

There was a point in time last year where i was already isolated from my friends, work and really... the world and only had $2.30 to my name. Jase shouted me lunch despite him being absolutely broke aswell and he said to me something i'll never forget, "i know what it's like to be starving and poor, eat up man".

The way he said it, i could see so much sincerity in his tone and knew exactly how i was feeling.
The evening wrapped up with Derrick scaring the girls in the adjacent apartments screaming about the size of his genitilia and other whacked up comments which Paul wasn't too happy about.

There was a moment where about 4-5am where most of the household was sleeping and awake was paul, his girlfriend Jhia, Jase, Monika and i were just sitting at the main dinner table. They placed about 15 mini candles and switched off the lights and Paul mentioned no matter how busy life is around you, nothing compares to the lumination of candles and he was right.

There and then the people who sat around this well lit table in silence was overwhelmed by the sense of harmony. Everything at that moment felt alright, despite the extreme tradgedy of the Christmas Tsunami's that claimed more than expected 200,000 lives. Perhaps at that moment it was right to hold a vigil and think about everything as a whole.

The same evening, Paul flat out told me i was naive to my surroundings and given my shit 2004 i first shunned the idea but when i think about it now i'm truly glad he did because he is right.
2004 was shit but i learnt heaps, 2005 is the start i've been waiting for.

I'm now sitting in my room with a new profound liking to candles, still smoking the same cigarettes listening to Dashboard whose lyrics states "i can fail, before i try" and i think how true that is. Amen.

This year has kicked out nicely, no matter how much i'll fall trying i don't care... the world is mine.

-Jay

p.s: Oh here's a shot of the view to die for at the place i was at last night.

Dawn of 2005 in 320 x 400 pixels

2004...

It's 5:42am, New Years Day, 2004.

I just got home from my fucking 12 hour shift at the bakery.It certainly had it's bebfits such as not really doing much in the last 6 hours but really all i wanted to do was go home.
Working there has certainly slowed my process of thinking.

At first the body starts to crumble when you become rostered at the damned bakery, it begins with swollen fingers and little cuts and bruises and ends with a back that i swear wasn't hunchbacked when i started working. After awhile the mind also becomes numb.
Much has changed since my last post and It certainly has been too long since i've written anything down.

Well needless to say a lot of things have happend. Car was stolen, exams i didn't go to, friends lost.. you get the picture of how 2004 went for me.

The loss of my car had unpredictable outcomes. I guess i would have to start from scratch.I'll pick up EXACTLY after my last entry. If i remember correctly my life was great, i have big plans to redecorate my room, my social life was awesome, my studies were coming along smoothly and my outlook on everything was nothing but sweet.

One night i went rollerblading with monin, it's an old tradition where we would run chaos (by chaos i just mean midnight roller blading and lying on the ashphalt looking at stars) on the streets on Oakleigh. I got home after a great conversation regarding the potential establishment of a independent comic firm. Life was so sweet. Did i mention how sweet it was?

Almost makes me afraid to be happy in life, next time i might not be so lucky as only my car stolen as i can think of much worse :(
Got home and went to bed, didn't even realise my car at that stage was missing. Yep, it's a car, no worries. Can be replaced... right?

Hmm obviously not. I was far more attached to my car than i thought and to make the situation worse, i left my school bag inside because i thought i was going to study at the 24 hour computer block afterwards.

Here's how it went down, car was recovered but heaps of goodies stolen, school bag was never recovered, and it's not like they'll need a text book on finance and accounting anyway!
The thieves even had the curtesy to steal the fucking ambi pur air freshener...With all the shit aside, i got a small but helpful insurance payout and the car has been running for about a month now. Thanks to Glenn and Chow for heaps of time spent rebuilding her into a shadow of her former glory.

With the car recovered about a week before the exam, i was thrown from a severely depressed state into "ok, time to cram like you've never crammed before..." in the context of studying of course.

As with most of my plans, it didn't go too well. Well the problem wasn't in the cramming but the ability to conserve my strength for the actual exam. I studied so hard (despite seeming like i made it up) i had absolutely no strength in me to make it. Lesson learned: I can't do all nighters.
Now i have a letter of reason to write to the faculty in explaining why i didn't do well academically this semester.

I've also left my close knit group of friends who've been there since primary school days and i don't see anyone anymore. I admit at times i do miss the boys, and i wonder what they're all up to.2005 is definately going to be different.

I was planning to write a short summary of what has happening to me this year, but i can't seem to really say anything impressive. In short, i screwed up.However there is a light at the end of the tunnel with my whole "car" incident. I was able to meet and make new friends who i see regularly.

These guys are cool and it came at a moment i least expected.
Firstly, i posted on the forums regarding my problem, and suddenly about 10 cars show up the next sunday ready to hunt for this stolen sprinter. Almost everything in 2004 seemed a blur and hopefully by my next post i can recall something.

-Jay